Annie
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I'll Be Dogged - She's Walking!
Legs a-pumping like pneumatic machines. All of a sudden she's everywhere.
Defining 'Bet'
Me: I'll bet.
He: Daddy - what's that?
Me: "Bet?" Well, say we were playing basketball, and I said, If you make a basket I'll give you a dollar; but if you don't make a basket you'll owe me a dollar. We'd be making a bet.
He: (thinking)
Me: Understand?
He: Uh, well, I guess you can owe me a dollar.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Budding Poetry Or Mere Badinage?
He: Hey, Mommy.
She: Yes.
He: Mommy.
She: Yes.
He: I don't need a jacket. I'm a good old boy. I can fight with the wind. I can do it for ever and ever.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Four-Year-Old As Joke-Writer: Still Way Better Than Leno
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Pickle.
Pickle who?
Pickle, do you want to drink water or beer?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Lyrics to "Safety Badge"
(Note: The following is tuneless. It is to be accompanied by random clapping as you whirl around your living room, trying not to get dizzy. Good luck.)
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Safety badge!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Who We're Dealin' With Here
The fam, generally. (Apparently there's a tacit rule that only one child can smile at a time if both are in front of a camera.)
The new one.
The one having all the fun.
The new one.
The one having all the fun.
Interview with a 3.9-Year-Old: May 10, 2008
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Is there anything you want to say to Mommy?
Um, only happy Mother’s Day.
That’s great.
(singing) Hot potato, hot potato. Daddy, my ear doesn’t hurt anymore.
Good! What is your favorite thing to do?
Umm. Give my Mommy some flowers to have in the flower bowl.
Where is the flower bowl?
Um, we have flowers bowls.
Where?
(singing) Hot potato, hot potato.
What’s something that you always say to Mommy?
“I love you.” Oh boat-boat, boat-boat-boat-boat. If it’s a wet boat, then it’s still dry. I am Iron Man, living in a…….. Ooooooh. It looks like this guy has tea on him.
Okay, another question. If you could sing a song to Mommy, what would it be?
About moms and daddies. Bew-bew-bew, bew-bew-bew-bew. Feels like hot tea.
Tell me about you today.
Well… I always like to drink hot chocolate and hot, hot, hot, umm, hot beer – oh, I’d have to be bigger for that.
You’re going to be how old?
Four. Then after that? Five. I’m gonna have a cake with Spider-Man on it. Duh-duh-duh, Spider-Man doesn’t know who you are.
What do you do when you’re four?
Go to preschool. Eat spicy things and also I … drink coffee.
What do you put in your coffee?
Hot chocolate. ‘Cause (indecipherable).
Have we covered everything?
No.
Okay – what do we need to cover?
Everything.
Okay. Anything else?
Well, nice to take showers. When I’m four.
Anything else you really want Mommy to know.
Yes. I want her to know .... (singing) R-A-T, T-A-R. I’m happy, but my balloon is floating like a meteor.
(Noticing how he’s right – his balloon really appears to be floating in the bathtub like a meteor.) That’s really insightful.
R-A-T, T-A-R. Woo-wee, do you smell my fart?
Um, only happy Mother’s Day.
That’s great.
(singing) Hot potato, hot potato. Daddy, my ear doesn’t hurt anymore.
Good! What is your favorite thing to do?
Umm. Give my Mommy some flowers to have in the flower bowl.
Where is the flower bowl?
Um, we have flowers bowls.
Where?
(singing) Hot potato, hot potato.
What’s something that you always say to Mommy?
“I love you.” Oh boat-boat, boat-boat-boat-boat. If it’s a wet boat, then it’s still dry. I am Iron Man, living in a…….. Ooooooh. It looks like this guy has tea on him.
Okay, another question. If you could sing a song to Mommy, what would it be?
About moms and daddies. Bew-bew-bew, bew-bew-bew-bew. Feels like hot tea.
Tell me about you today.
Well… I always like to drink hot chocolate and hot, hot, hot, umm, hot beer – oh, I’d have to be bigger for that.
You’re going to be how old?
Four. Then after that? Five. I’m gonna have a cake with Spider-Man on it. Duh-duh-duh, Spider-Man doesn’t know who you are.
What do you do when you’re four?
Go to preschool. Eat spicy things and also I … drink coffee.
What do you put in your coffee?
Hot chocolate. ‘Cause (indecipherable).
Have we covered everything?
No.
Okay – what do we need to cover?
Everything.
Okay. Anything else?
Well, nice to take showers. When I’m four.
Anything else you really want Mommy to know.
Yes. I want her to know .... (singing) R-A-T, T-A-R. I’m happy, but my balloon is floating like a meteor.
(Noticing how he’s right – his balloon really appears to be floating in the bathtub like a meteor.) That’s really insightful.
R-A-T, T-A-R. Woo-wee, do you smell my fart?
Interview with a 3.75-Year-Old: March 24, 2008
Do you have anything to say before we start the interview?
Who crossed the road? Water. Water crossed the road.
How old are you?
Four. (He’s three.)
Have you ever been to Texas?
I pooped on the house and I farted on the house and I peed on the house. My sock has a hood – a hood for a sock, see?
How much do you weigh?
Five pounds.
Okay. Do you think you’ll ever weigh more?
I’ll weigh five … six … tee pounds. Five-sixty-pounds.
Is that the most you’ll ever weigh?
Yeah. Okay, tell me something else.
What did you think about Easter yesterday?
It was great! Except I got to fart on my eggs.
Why do you say that?
‘Cause it’s great – you don’t poop on your eggs. (Standing on his chair.) ‘Cause I was big and I came out of my egg. Have you been to Massachusetts?
Yes.
Okay. Ask me if I’ve been to Massachusetts.
Okay. Have you been to Massachusetts?
We’re going there in a couple days and we’re going to a theater to see a movie.
Which movie?
I’m going to see “ Little Spy Man Movie.”
What’s that movie about?
Spider-Man.
Oh.
Uh-huh. ‘Cause he’s a bad guy.
I thought Spider-Man was one of the really good guys.
(Shaking his head.) He’s good but he never goes to bed.
And that’s why he’s bad?
No. That’s why he’s good. And he never goes to bed.
(Much Spider-Man talk ensues.)
Okay, I have one more question for now. What do you think of your sister?
She’s, ummmm … I think she’s cool. ‘Cause she never eats her cow’s milk. She never eats her mommy’s milk. She never eats cow’s milk or rice milk. Or water. OH-NO! She eats her water.
Who crossed the road? Water. Water crossed the road.
How old are you?
Four. (He’s three.)
Have you ever been to Texas?
I pooped on the house and I farted on the house and I peed on the house. My sock has a hood – a hood for a sock, see?
How much do you weigh?
Five pounds.
Okay. Do you think you’ll ever weigh more?
I’ll weigh five … six … tee pounds. Five-sixty-pounds.
Is that the most you’ll ever weigh?
Yeah. Okay, tell me something else.
What did you think about Easter yesterday?
It was great! Except I got to fart on my eggs.
Why do you say that?
‘Cause it’s great – you don’t poop on your eggs. (Standing on his chair.) ‘Cause I was big and I came out of my egg. Have you been to Massachusetts?
Yes.
Okay. Ask me if I’ve been to Massachusetts.
Okay. Have you been to Massachusetts?
We’re going there in a couple days and we’re going to a theater to see a movie.
Which movie?
I’m going to see “ Little Spy Man Movie.”
What’s that movie about?
Spider-Man.
Oh.
Uh-huh. ‘Cause he’s a bad guy.
I thought Spider-Man was one of the really good guys.
(Shaking his head.) He’s good but he never goes to bed.
And that’s why he’s bad?
No. That’s why he’s good. And he never goes to bed.
(Much Spider-Man talk ensues.)
Okay, I have one more question for now. What do you think of your sister?
She’s, ummmm … I think she’s cool. ‘Cause she never eats her cow’s milk. She never eats her mommy’s milk. She never eats cow’s milk or rice milk. Or water. OH-NO! She eats her water.
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